


Day #1168

by K17L53



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Post S4 Finale, alt ending, where it turns out lexa's alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2018-11-06 06:03:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11030142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K17L53/pseuds/K17L53
Summary: Three years on the ground after the Praimfaya, Clarke gets up every morning to send out messages on the radio in hopes that someone will eventually answer. It hasn't happened so far but every now and then, Clarke has to get things off her chest and she talks into the radio, almost hoping someone is listening to her on the other end. Today is day #1168 and *finally* someone responds.





	1. Anyone there?

**Author's Note:**

> i had a lot of feels after the finale i did not watch. clarke and madi and just imagining how great it'd be if lexa was alive. then i realized i'm a fic writer who shits on canon and decided to write it. this is probably going to be two parter btw, here's ch 1. btw it's 4:30am and i just wrote this so i'm sorry about the mistakes and i hope its good enough. i really wanted to post it tonight coz if i left it to read over and stuff, i'd never get it up.

It had been three years, three years of living alone on a barren planet, and three years of Clarke waking up to check her radio and send out messages. She didn’t know who she was talking to, maybe out into space in the hopes are friends made it, or maybe out to someone on the planet…if anyone was left. Clarke doesn’t really know why she was even bothering, the only person that was left other than her was Madi and Clarke was lucky to have found her when she did. But…she was just a child; there was so much Clarke needed to get off her chest and it wasn’t possible to talk about these things with her. Not only that but going three years without having someone to hold and someone to comfort her, god knows she needs that after everything she’s gone through since the moment she set foot on the ground.

 

Today was worse than most, Clarke could feel the heaviness in her chest weighing her down the moment she woke up. Madi was still asleep as she walked up to where the radio was set up. Clarke sat down on the dried out log, letting out a sigh as she picked up the mouthpiece. “Anyone there?” She asked tiredly, already knowing the answer. “It’s day 1168, and we’re still here – me and Madi – still listening in to if anyone else is out there.” It was the same every morning, she’d say the same thing every morning in hopes of getting a response. “It hasn’t been going too well.” She said quietly into the radio. “Everything is weighing me down and I woke up this morning not being able to breathe.” Clarke shook her; some days she’d just talk into the radio, she knew there was no one listening on the other but at the same time, there was very small chance that she was talking to someone.

 

She let her head fall, needing to talk to someone right now and glad that Madi was asleep. “I dreamt about her last night.” Clarke’s lips quivered, tears threatening to spill. “I saw Lexa again, felt her arms around me holding me close because I was falling apart…again.” She was falling apart now. “And it just felt so real…it felt like she was really here again.” Clarke brought her hand up, wiping away a tear that was rolling down her cheek. “I can’t tell how amazing it felt, having her next to me again.”

 

Clarke let out a small laugh, “You don’t even know who I’m talking about.” She shook her head at herself for believing someone was actually listening to her. “I loved her…but I never got to say it, I never told her. She was taken away before I could.” Clarke paused for a moment, “We thought one day we could be together; one day things would settle down and there would be peace and we would…” She scoffed, “Who were we kidding? We should’ve known we’d never get a happy ending.”

 

She remained silent for a good few minutes, chewing on her bottom lip, “Know what the worst part about the dream was?” Clarke asked, a light crack on the radio that she put off as just static. “I don’t remember her face, not the way I used to.” She admitted, “I don’t know what her smile looked like, I never learned the sound of her laugh,” Clarke was crying by now, unsure of why she was still talking. “Her eyes, god her eyes were so beautiful but I can’t remember them anymore. Those beautiful green eyes and the way they lit up when she smiled at me.” She clenched her jaws, bringing up a hand before angrily wiping her eyes. “I can’t remember them. When I saw her last night, I couldn’t even see her face, it was a blur.”

 

Clarke remained silent, hoping for someone to respond. Suddenly, there was another crackle on the radio, causing Clarke to let out another sigh. She wasn’t reading into it much but the noise only kept growing louder and louder until Clarke got her hopes up that it might be someone on the other end. “Is anyone there?” She asked immediately, sitting up straighter. “Hello, can you hear me?” Clarke asked again, louder this time through the static sounds from the radio’s speaker. “Please tell me someone else survived, please.” She pleaded into the mouthpiece as the noises kept getting louder.

 

It took a few minutes as the noises slowly started to sound more like words. It was still static-y but eventually Clarke heard someone say her name, “Cla-rk-e?” The person on the other end spoke, “Ca-an y-ou hear me-e?”

 

“Yes, yes, I can hear you.” Clarke nodded frantically, speaking impatiently into the radio. “Who are you? How do you know my name?” She was relieved and skeptical about it at the same time, worried a little, hoping that she was actually hearing someone and not just hearing voices that weren’t there.

 

“It’s me.” The sound was starting to get more clear, she could make out the words clearly now but the voice still sounded distorted. “Clarke…it’s me.”

 

“Who is it?” Clarke asked again, talking slowly and carefully so her words were clear. “And where are you contacting me from?” She continued asking. “Are you in space?”

 

“Space?” The voice asked, confused. “What? No. Clarke it’s me.” The voice said again, sounding like it was expecting Clarke to know who it was. “Clarke?”

 

The sound was clearer now and Clarke could hear the voice properly, it sounded familiar. And comforting for some reason but she couldn’t remember it. “Please tell me who you are.”

 

“ _Ai hodnes, em ste ai. Leksa_.” My love, it’s me. Lexa.

 

No, no, no, that couldn’t be. She was hearing voices again, that had to be it. “No, don’t do that to me.” Clarke shook her head to herself, closing her eyes. “Please I can’t take this today.” She could still hear breathing from the other side. “You’re dead Lexa. You’ve been dead for 3 years.”

 

The person on the other side remained silent for a moment, “It’s really me. I don’t know how, but it’s me.”

 

“No, that’s not possible, my mind’s messing with me again.”

 

“No, Clarke it’s me, it’s not your mind.” Lexa said from the other side.

 

“Where are you?” Clarke finally asked, “Lexa where are you?” She was almost panicking now, standing up on her feet as she continued talking into the radio.

 

“I…I don’t know.” Her voice was hesitant, unsure. “Somewhere in the forest…?” Lexa tried, “There’s a…what do you call it? A rover?”

 

“Is that where you found the radio?” Clarke had her say yes from the other end and only hoped she was hearing things for real this time. “Don’t turn it off, we’re coming to get you.” She was about to take off, wake up Madi and then try to ping where the other radio was. “Lexa? Is it really you?” What was the point of even asking that? Even if the person on the other side wasn’t Lexa, if there _was_ someone, it meant there was an actual living person there.

 

“Yes.”


	2. I don't know what's happening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally finds Lexa and...well, three years is a long time and neither of them really know what's happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just finished writing this chapter and i think this deserves a couple more chapters, not just these two. i'm still trying to figure out where lexa was for all this time. and i'm also still trying to figure out their dynamic right now because,,,,,it was a brief but so fucking intense relationship where they fell hard and fast for each other but like,,,,,it didn't last long, so i'm still figuring that out. and given how i just finished writing it, i didn't really get the chance to edit it but i think it's okay so i hope there aren't too many typos and all that. anyways, i'm gonna shut up coz i have nothing else to say.

“Where are we going?” Madi asked Clarke as she did her best to keep up with Clarke. She was practically running through the woods, a small module in her hand that was showing a location that Madi knew nothing about. Clarke hadn’t said much, only woke her up in a hurry and told her they needed to go somewhere.

 

“Wherever this little thing is telling us to.” Clarke didn’t look back at her, only held up the device for her see. It didn’t take too long for Clarke to scan the area and find the only other active radio. Once she had found the location, Clarke woke up Madi and they were on their way in a matter of minutes. She didn’t tell her where they were going though, Clarke didn’t want to say just in case that might jinx it; also she didn’t know whether she should believe it in the first place, so she was trying to not get her hopes up. “We’re close, only a few more minutes at most.”

 

“And why are we letting this thing take us somewhere in the middle of nowhere?” Madi questioned again, wherever they were going was way too deep in the forest, the trees were a lot thicker and closer together than where they usually camped.

 

“Uhh,” Clarke thought for a second, preoccupied as she looked down at the screen before making a sharp right turn. “It’s a surprise.”

 

“Oh come on Clarke.” Madi tried again, “Tell me where we’re going.”

 

“We’re looking for someone.” Clarke finally answered as they continued to walk.

 

“Someone?” Madi scoffed, “There’s no one left.” She rolled her eyes, waiting for a response from Clarke but she didn’t get one. “Wait, _is_ there anyone left?”

 

“Maybe.” Clarke replied quietly.

 

“What?! Who?” Clarke didn’t reply again. “Is it another _natblida_?” She asked. “It _has_ to be. No one else could’ve survived.” Madi was mostly talking to herself now. “Clarke!” She called out, trying to get her attention. “ _Is_ there another Nightblood?”

 

It took Clarke a moment to register what Madi had asked but before she could reply, her eyes spotted a familiar looking vehicle a few feet away. “There’s the rover.” She said quietly, her pace becoming faster as she made her way to it. When she was a couple of feet to it, Clarke took off running, rushing over to the abandoned and broken down rover; Madi not bothering to but just slowly walking up behind her.

 

Clarke didn’t know what she was expecting when she made her way to it, but the closer she got, the more she realized there was no one there. As she finally got to it, it was empty; there was no one there, inside the rover or even around it. “No, no, no, no, no.” Clarke muttered, opening the front door as she frantically looked inside. “This can’t be, come on, you’re supposed to be here.” She didn’t know what she was feeling right now; upset, angry, disappointed, mostly at herself for believing what she heard on the radio this morning was real. After a couple of minutes, Clarke gave up, leaned back against the side of the rover as she let herself slide down and sit on the soft ground. She shook her head, looking up as she watched Madi finally walk up to her.

 

“False alarm?” She asked as she sat down next to Clarke.

 

“Looks like it,” Clarke sighed, “Unfortunately.”

 

“Who are we looking for?”

 

“I heard someone on the radio this morning.” Clarke finally explained. “I asked them to keep the radio on so I could locate it.” She paused for a moment, “But I was wrong. There was no one here.” Another pause, “It was just my head messing with me again.”

 

Madi nudged her shoulder, “It happens,” She tried to comfort Clarke. “We’ve been alone long enough.” Clarke only nodded, not responding as she scolded herself yet again for believing it could’ve been Lexa. “Wait,” Madi spoke suddenly. “I don’t think it was your mind playing with you.” She shook her head at Clarke, receiving a questioning look from her. “Well the radio _must_ be on if you found this place.” Madi told her. “And if it’s on now…someone must be here.” With that, she sprung up to her feet, reaching for the door.

 

“What are you doing?” Clarke asked as Madi opened the door and started shuffling through the things inside.

 

“I’m looking for…” She trailed off, pulling something out, “The radio.” Madi brought herself up, looking at Clarke, “It’s turned on, Clarke, someone’s here.” She told her. “There has to be,” Madi didn’t wait, she took of running towards the trees surrounding the space they were standing in in the hopes of finding whoever Clarke was looking for.

 

“Madi, wait!” Clarke called out loudly, standing before following her.

 

“Whoever was here, whoever turned the radio on, has to be close.” She told Clarke, not stopping. “They wouldn’t go too far if they left the radio on.” Clarke nodded in response, picking up her pace as she ran after Madi.

 

“Clarke?” A voice coming from behind stopped her in her tracks. It was the same voice she had heard earlier this morning, only clearer and less static-y.

 

Clarke stopped in her tracks, freezing as she swallowed the lump in her throat. “Lexa…?” She said quietly, closing her eyes as she tried to muster the courage to turn around and face her.

 

There was nothing but silence for the next few long seconds, only the rustling of the leaves in the wind and a pair of footsteps slowly coming closer. It was Madi, Clarke realized as it was coming from in front of her but it took her a moment to finally turn around, hoping she wouldn’t be disappointed when she did so.

 

Lexa waited wordlessly, watching Clarke’s back for a few seconds before she started to turn around. Clarke’s jaw dropped at the sight in front of her…it was Lexa. It was really Lexa, alive and well and…god, she looked just as well as she did before she was shot three years ago. “Madi!” Clarke called out instead, not trusting her own eyes. “You’re seeing this right?” She asked her quietly once she stepped up next to Clarke, not taking her eyes off of Lexa. “She’s standing right there and I’m not just seeing things?”

 

“Uhhh…” Madi scanned her eyes over the unknown woman. “Yeah, she’s there…”

 

“Lexa…?” Clarke said again, more of a question this time as she noticed tears starting to well in her eyes. Lexa only nodded slowly, a soft smile on her face as she stood still, waiting for Clarke to make a move because she didn’t want to scare her. “It’s you…” Another nod.

 

“Wait, that’s Lexa?” Madi’s eyes widened comically.

 

Clarke didn’t seem to hear her though, only started walking closer to Lexa. Her steps were slow and measured; almost scared she might disappear if Clarke was too loud or fast. “Is it really you?” She finally asked, standing less than a feet across from Lexa.

 

“Yeah, it’s me.” She breathed out, watching as Clarke brought her hand up, gently brushing the tips of her fingers on Lexa’s cheek. “Hi,” She smiled back at her; Lexa wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around Clarke and just hold her close right now. She doesn’t know what happened after everything went after the shooting, but she can feel it’s been a very long time, and according to Clarke it has been three years.

 

Clarke traced the lines of her jaw, fingers gently moving up to her cheekbones before tucking a strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear. “God it’s really you.” Clarke almost whispered, sounding breathless as she threw her arms around Lexa.

 

“Yes,” Lexa breathed out against her, arms going up around Clarke as she held her as close as possible. “It’s me.” She buried her face in Clarke’s neck, breathing her in. Lexa let herself melt into Clarke’s embrace, telling herself it was okay to relax, but there was a nagging at the back of her mind that just made Lexa think something was still wrong.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything, she only held on, afraid that even loosening her grip around Lexa would make her disappear. It had been so long, three years without her, three years without anyone really; without anyone to hold, anyone to be next to. She couldn’t believe it, not yet, this still felt so unreal – Lexa was dead, she had been for years now, and to have her back…god, how was any of this real? “I missed you.” Clarke finally spoke, her voice cracking as tears spilled from her eyes. “God, I missed you so much.” She pressed her face against Lexa, taking her in, trying to convince herself that this was, in fact, real.

 

They stayed like that for what felt like eternity, but it probably wasn’t more than a couple of minutes, before they finally let go. They didn’t really move away, still close enough for their foreheads to touch. “How could you do that?” Clarke asked through tears, shaking her head against Lexa’s. “How could you leave me like that?”

 

Lexa brought herself away only slightly, kissing Clarke’s forehead, “I never meant to.” She told her quietly, her voice soft and gentle. “I never wanted that.” Lexa pulled her closer again, Clarke’s head resting on her chest this time as Clarke tried to calm herself down.

 

“How are you here?” Clarke finally asked, her voice softer now. “Now? How is that possible?”

 

“I don’t know.” Lexa replied. “But I’m here now.” She gave her a small smile, knowing that wasn’t enough for what she did to her. “I’m sorry.” Lexa apologized, her hand coming up to push the hair away from Clarke’s face. “I’m sorry I left Clarke.” She repeated; as much as she felt bad about having to leave Clarke like that, alone and cause her pain, a part of Lexa was glad when she realized the bullet that hit her was meant for Clarke. They had only gotten a few hours with each other before everything ended, before everything came crashing down, and when she knew that was it, Lexa’s only regret was not having more time. “But I’m not going anywhere now.” She told her. Lexa didn’t want to; all her life she had been ready for death, knowing it could happen any moment and whenever it did, she thought she would be at peace. But after Clarke…after Lexa thought her and Clarke had a chance to be together, she wanted more time, she wanted more time to be with her…she finally wanted to live.

 

“You better not.” Clarke smiled back this time. “Now come on, let’s get you somewhere safe, we don’t know what’s around here.”

 

“We kinda do.” Madi finally spoke, shrugging from a few feet away. “ _Eintheing_ **[not a thing]**. There’s nothing here.” She didn’t wait for Clarke to respond. “Or anywhere.”

 

This was the first time Lexa noticed someone else was here other than just Clarke. Looking past Clarke’s shoulder at the young girl, Lexa looked back at her questioningly. “Oh, right.” Clarke remembered suddenly, “Lexa, this is Madi.” She finally introduced her. “And Madi, this is Lexa.”

 

“Lexa?” She repeated, “Your Lexa?”

 

Clarke nodded at her, Lexa only giving Clarke another questioning look, “ _Your_ Lexa?” Lexa asked with raised eyebrows, as they started walking towards the young girl.

 

She only sighed, shaking her head a little before replying, “Yes.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand, still not entirely convinced that she was really here.

 

Clarke’s hand taking her’s almost made Lexa flinch, not expecting the sudden touch. It took her a moment to relax, it wasn’t really something she was used to; Lexa was always on alert and she was still reeling from everything that was happening – more specifically, the fact that she was here now. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but she felt a little strange; nauseous and lightheaded, but also more alert and agitated than she remembers. Lexa’s grip on Clarke’s hand tightened slightly, grounding herself to reality as they walked in silence through the trees, unsure of where they were going. “Stop,” Lexa breathed out after a few minutes of walking, coming to a halt. “Clarke wait.” She said breathlessly, bringing up a hand to her face and rubbing her eyes.

 

Clarke stopped immediately, looking at her with a concerned look as she stepped up next closer to her, “Lexa, what’s wrong?” She asked urgently, a hand on Lexa’s back as she noticed her breathing rapidly. “Hey, are you okay?” Clarke asked, worried all over again because she couldn’t think of anything happening to Lexa again.

 

Lexa shook her head, trying to catch her breath; her insides felt like they were on fire and her ribs were tightening around her so she can’t breathe. “I don’t know what’s wrong.” She shook her head. “I can’t breathe Clarke.”

 

“Come on,” Clarke said worryingly, stepping aside and next to a log for her to sit down. “Sit down.” She told her, “Just try to breathe.” Clarke did her best to remain calm, trying to hide the panic in her voice at seeing Lexa like this. _No, she’s fine, I just got her back_ , Clarke did her best to push her thoughts down before kneeling on the soft ground next to her. “You’re okay, everything’s fine Lexa.”

 

She shook her head again, her back hunched over as she tried to calm down. “No…” Lexa trailed off, dropping her head on her hands. Her breathing was erratic, feeling like she couldn’t get enough oxygen into her lungs. She didn’t know what happened, everything hitting her all at once – how she was shot, and how she quite literally died but was somehow back now – and a sob broke out, unable to stop herself. “Clarke I-” Lexa tried to speak, only to be cut off by another breathless sob.

 

Clarke’s eyes scanned over her, one hand on Lexa’s arm trying to comfort her before turning her head to look at Madi who was waiting a few feet. “Go on, we’ll catch up.” Madi nodded, beginning to walk away as Clarke turned her head back to Lexa. “Lexa look at me,” She said after a moment, her hands on Lexa’s arms, “Hey,” She tried again, her voice quiet and gentle. “Lexa everything is okay.”

 

“I don’t know what’s happening.” Lexa finally spoke after a moment, doing her best to calm herself down. “I don’t how I’m here, I don’t know how I managed to find you, I don’t know how I’m aliv-”

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Clarke stopped her, trying to calm her down. “Lexa, hey, look at me.” This time she did, Clarke looking blurry through the tears. “I don’t know what’s happening either, okay?” She started. “But we’ll figure it out.” She tried to reassure her as Lexa sat up straight, trying to hold herself together. Clarke remained silent for a few seconds, watching Lexa carefully as she tried to calm down. “Let’s get you out of here; get you some food and water.”

 

Clarke took Lexa’s hand, tugging gently, about to stand up but Lexa didn’t move, “I’m so tired.” She muttered quietly, her eyes on the ground in front of her, voice wavering slightly. “I can not tell if this is real.” Her hand came up to her stomach, resting over the spot where Clarke very clearly remembers the bullet entering.

 

Clarke gently placed her hand over Lexa’s, letting her take her time take everything in before Clarke moved her hand to the hem of her shirt, gently pulling it up. “It’s okay,” She said to Lexa, Lexa leaning back slightly as Clarke gently touched the jagged, circular scar. She didn’t know what she was expecting but for some reason it almost felt like a relief to see the scar, and Clarke couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief. She leaned forward, her lips pressing a feather light kiss on it before letting her head fall on Lexa’s lap. Clarke didn’t know what was happening, it seemed impossible, almost like a terribly cruel dream that she would wake up from any moment. “I love you Lexa.” She finally told her, not moving as her hand took Lexa’s. “I should’ve told you sooner.” This time Clarke let out a small muffled sob, “I thought I’d have more time.” She shook her head against Lexa. “I thought we’d have more time.”

 

Lexa ran her free hand through Clarke’s hair, it was shorter now than she remembers – cleaner too. “Now we do.” She replied, letting out a sigh; she had no idea what was going on, Lexa couldn’t see anyone around and she didn’t know what to make of that. But it _had_ been three years, surely there were other’s who could deal with things, leaving her and Clarke out of it. Maybe they could finally have their _maybe someday_ that they so briefly talked about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa,,,,,has no idea what the fuck is going on rn. or even what happened, much like me coz i didn't watch this season, so we'll both figure this out together. but she's kind of a mess because??? she died??? but now she's here??? after so many years??? and she just feels off for some reason??? nothing really makes sense to her and she's kinda overwhelmed i guess. anyways, thanks for reading, let me know what you thought of this one.


	3. Koken sintaim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title translates to "crazy day" because it has been a crazy day. We finally start to find out what had happened to Lexa in the last 3-ish years. Lexa also asks Clarke a little about what happened to the world since she died(?). Clarke talks to Madi about how crazy this all is, finally getting her thoughts out to someone, and how Lexa will love her once they get to know each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ayyyy finally an update. god it's been forever and i'm so sorry. i'm just an idiot who started posting too many fics. like i have 11 WIPs that i haven't started posting and then there's 4 fics that i am posting, 5 including this one. and i just.....i'm an idiot. never work on more than two fics at a time, 3 at most. but never 5. anyways, so yeah. it starts with lexa asking what happened. then its a cute lil madi/clarke scene. and then there's the bit where we find out a little more about what happened to lexa. because ayyy i'm figuring it out. also there might be stuff in the convo about what happened during the apocalypse that does not match canon. and that is because i did not watch it. any of it since y'know. so i went with what i knew, and then made it up as i went coz ayy why not because its not jrot's during a great job with the writing.

“Where is everybody?” Lexa asked Clarke once they were back to the small opening where the broken rover was parked. She remembers the little girl, Madi’s, comment about how there was nothing around now, and on the way here, she noticed how quiet everything was, how deserted it was. It didn’t look like there was a single person nearby. “Everything is so quiet.” Clarke only nodded, leading Lexa to sit down on a log by where last night’s fire was. She let out a small sigh, thinking about how to even answer that as she sat down next to her. Clarke looked around for a moment, looking for Madi before she spotted her a few feet away by the trees. “Clarke?” Lexa asked again, waiting for a reply.

 

Clarke turned back to her, unsure of how to answer that. It felt a little strange hearing Lexa say her name again, the way she did, so softly and gently, taking the effort to pronounce every letter carefully. She gave her a small smile, hesitantly taking Lexa’s hand; she didn’t know why, maybe a part of her was still trying to believe that she was really here, or maybe she was just worried that if she wasn’t gentle with Lexa, she’d break. “They’re all gone.” Clarke answered quietly, receiving only a questioning look from Lexa. “There’s no one here. It was just me and Madi up until…” She nodded towards Lexa lightly, “This morning.”

 

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked, not understanding what that meant. “Gone in what sense?”

 

Clarke let out a small sigh, unsure of how to explain it, not sure if Lexa would be ready to hear this. If their walk back was anything to go by, Lexa was…fragile right now. “There was another _Praimfaya_.” She started. “A lot of people managed to leave, go back to space.” Clarke continued. “Other’s tried to stay safe on the ground, went down in a bunker by Mount Weather. Well, not all, members from every clan but there wasn’t enough room for everyone.” Clarke ran her thumb over the back of Lexa’s hand, noticing the hitch in her breath. “I don’t know what happened to them, any of them. The bunker is sealed, I can’t get it open, it can only be opened from the inside.” She let out a small breath, “I don’t even know if anyone survived down there.” That was mostly to herself, Clarke tried not to think about it because she knew there was nothing she could do to change what had already happened. “If the radiation got in somehow…” She shook her head, looking up back at Lexa. “So yeah, no one’s around anymore. There are some down in the bunker, some in space…and the rest are…”

 

“Dead?” Lexa asked quietly, finishing Clarke’s sentence as she trailed off and Clarke only nodded. “What about the bunker, do you think they’re still alive?”

 

Clarke thought for a moment, “I tell myself they are, but I don’t know.” She shrugged, “We’ll know in about two years when it’s safe to come out.”

 

“What do you mean _safe_?” Lexa asked suddenly, forgetting about everything else for a moment as she only thought about what Clarke just said. “Is it not safe now?”

 

“Not for everyone, no.” Clarke shook her head. “Like the first _Praimfaya_ , the radiation effected everyone other than Nightbloods so-”

 

“Then where are all the other Nightbloods?” Lexa asked before Clarke could finish.

 

“Lexa…” Clarke said quietly, not wanting her to ask about the other Nightbloods. “I don’t know if this is a go-”

 

“What about you?” She asked, feeling a little panicked, letting go off the Nightbloods, assuming they were in the bunker as well. “How are you still here, you’re not a _Natblida_?”

 

Okay, that was a less loaded question right now. “Well…I am.” Clarke answered. “I took the Nightblood serum, it’s a long story.”

 

“WHAT?” She exclaimed. “Clarke why would you do that? You could have died?” Suddenly Lexa was incredibly worried and concerned for only Clarke and nothing else, forgetting about the _Praimfaya_ for a minute and her Nightbloods. It was weird how Clarke could do that to her, and how concerned she could get over the girl that fell from the sky.

 

“I…didn’t care.” Clarke answered honestly. “I _knew_ I could’ve died, but I just didn’t care about it.” She told her. “I lost all will to live if I’m being honest Lexa.” No, she hasn’t told anyone about this, it should’ve been pretty clear to practically everyone around her but Clarke has never said it out loud to anyone. “I wanted to save my people and I didn’t care about what happened to me. There were moments where I would’ve actually liked to just end it all. Give up.” She let out a small sigh, it was just easy to talk to Lexa, even now, it was easy to get it out. “It just felt easier at times, I almost thought I’d have a chance to see you again if I just…fucking died and left this miserable world.”

 

“Clarke…” Lexa finally spoke, she opened her mouth, trying to find something to say, but nothing came out, she didn’t know how to respond to this. “Are you okay?” She asked slowly, looking over her worryingly.

 

“Who knows?” Clarke shrugged, her voice lighter suddenly, “Who is though, I mean…look at us.” She shook her head, “I survived a radiation apocalypse, practically sat through it out in the open. And you…god, Lexa you…”

 

“Yeah…” Lexa nodded, “And I have no idea how.”

 

.

 

Clarke and Madi were sitting under the stars, it was a clear night and they had the fire going tonight as well. Madi had a pretty good day, she was out hunting for dinner and had come back with a couple of small animals that loosely resembled rabbits. Lexa had gone in about an hour ago into Clarke’s tent by their rover, she was tired and exhausted and sleep would probably help right now. She hadn’t really said much to Madi, well she hadn’t said much about anything since her conversation with Clarke, Lexa was still just trying to make sense of it all.

 

“You see her too, right?” Clarke asked suddenly after a moment, breaking the silence as she continued to watch the fire burn away. “It’s not just me, I’m not going crazy?”

 

“No, you’re not.” Madi replied, equally perplexed by what was happening. “She really is here.” She shook her head slowly, “ _Koken_ **[crazy]**.”

 

“ _Ai get in_ **[I know]**.” Clarke agreed, unsure when she started just casually speaking Trigedasleng. “I still think I’m dreaming,” She shook her head, “Chit gon jok? **[what the fuck?]** ” She looked up at the sky, “I don’t…understand…how…?”

 

“I wish I had answers.” Madi just shrugged, “This is the most _koken diyo_ **[crazy thing]** that’s happened since I met you.” She told her. “ _En osir kik thru gon_ _Praimfaya ogenda_ **[And we survived the apocalypse together]**.”

 

“Dei ste ridiyo **[that is true]**.” Clarke nodded, “Why am I talking in trig?” She asked herself suddenly, it had slowly become a habit, then it just started feeling natural and they would both be throwing Trigedasleng words in here and there. Clarke had taught Madi English though, she wasn’t being trained as a warrior when she had found her so she could only speak in Trigedasleng.

 

“Em ste koken sintaim **[it’s a crazy day]**.” Madi offered, “But now we’re not alone.” She gave Clarke a small smile. “After everything you told me about her, I feel like I already know her.”

 

“Wait until you actually get to know her,” Clarke replied, a soft smile playing on her lips, slowly dawning on her that it was real after all. “She’s gonna love you.” But suddenly the smile faded away, her mind going to the other Nightbloods, Lexa’s Nightbloods, the ones who were going to be her legacy, the ones who she loved so much and wanted to protect no matter what. “She’s going to be happy that at least one of you made it.” Clarke told her, receiving a questioning look from her. “You’re the last one, _ai Natblida_.” She smiled at Madi, “You know what happened to the rest in Polis, right?” Madi nodded, “I haven’t told her yet.” Clarke sighed, “She asked me, but I didn’t answer her, I don’t know how to.”

 

“She really cared about them, huh?” Madi asked knowingly,

 

Clarke nodded, “She loved them.” She answered, almost trying to not say her name; she didn’t know why but Clarke felt that saying it would almost make Lexa go away or something. “And she’s going to love you, the way she loved them.” The Nightbloods were her life, she taught them, trained them, cared for them, protected them…and Lexa would be devastated when she found out about what happened to them. But maybe, just maybe, getting another chance with another Nightblood would be enough to make it a little easier.

 

.

 

Lexa practically jumped out of bed, sitting up straight as her chest heaved, taking deep breaths. It felt so real, almost felt like it was, but it had to have been a dream, right? Frantically, she looked around in the darkness, her eyes finally finding the only thing that could convince her that was just a dream – _Clarke_.

 

Clarke was right next to her, slowly stirring awake at the movement next to her. “Lexa?” She said quietly, a little confused as she looked up at Lexa. “Hey, hey,” Clarke sat upright, looking at her when she didn’t respond. “Are you okay?” She moved closer to her, unable to think clearly at seeing Lexa distressed. “Lexa,” Clarke placed a hand on her back, trying to get her attention.

 

She jolted back to reality at Clarke’s touch, regaining her ability almost to respond. “Clarke,” Lexa breathed out, not saying anything. “It’s really you, right?” She asked hesitantly. “You’re real?”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke nodded, watching as Lexa’s trembling hand came up to Clarke’s face. “I am, I’m real.” She brought her hand up as well, placing it over Lexa’s. “Are you okay?” Lexa looked into her eyes, and Clarke’s not sure what she saw in Lexa’s; concern, and…pain more than anything else probably.

 

Lexa finally pulled her hand away, shaking her head slowly before speaking. “Do you believe in…” She thought about the word she was looking for, Lexa didn’t know it Gonasleng. “ _Pas sonraun?_ **[afterlife?]** ”

 

It took Clarke a second, breaking down the words before asking to clarify. “Life after death?” Lexa nodded, “Why do you ask?”

 

Lexa placed her arms behind her, leaning back against them, “And do you believe that some people are subjected to pain and torture for eternity after dying?”

 

Clarke gave her another small nod, “Hell?”

 

She didn’t know this word, but Clarke was probably saying what she was thinking, “I think that is the word, yes.” Lexa nodded, “ _Skafa_ , **[hell]** ”

 

Clarke wasn’t sure where this was going so she only watched her questioningly. “Bad dream?” Lexa nodded, “What was it?”

 

“Fire,” Lexa started. “Pain. Torture.” She shook her head, looking at Clarke with…fear in her eyes, something Clarke had probably never seen on her – even when she was shot and dying, she was never scared. “Clarke, I think I was in hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't edit this okay. it's 1am, i just finished writing it, i have school in the morning, and i really wanted to update this fic already. so yeppp there it is, let me know what you thought. please hit me up with comments, they make me write faster and they mean a lot.


	4. We can be dead together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right from the last chapter with Clarke trying to comfort her without really knowing how to. There's more of Lexa talking about the last three years, well asking Clarke about it and what happened - r.e. the Nightbloods. And "maybe someday we'll owe nothing more to our people" comes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna post this last night right. but then. when i went to edit it. i ended up writing another 1k because i wanted more clexa. i'm trying to explain what lexa's going through and just,,,,it's hard. because it's just hard to put it into words??? but hey, i'm trying and that counts for something and i think it's a pretty cool chapter. there's a lot of clexa and there's also lexa and madi because asdlkfjasldkf how cUTE. there's also a bit of trig at the end and the translations are in bold right next to the dialogue. i'm not 100% fluent so i'm hoping there weren't any mistakes in there.

“Woah, hey,” Clarke said instantly, her hand on Lexa’s back as she tried to calm her down. “It was just a bad dream, it’s okay.” She didn’t really know what Lexa could’ve meant when she said she thought she was in hell. Did she mean it literally or figuratively? After all, she _has_ been dead the past three years. _Dead_. What did that even mean right now though? Because…she was _alive_ now somehow, and it just made no sense. Clarke wasn’t complaining, no, not at all – she was happy to have her back, it was the last thing she expected but the one thing she had wanted more than anything.

 

“No, no,” Lexa shook her head, she sounded a little out of breath but still calm and collected somehow. “I’ve had plenty of nightmares that were no more than just that.” She told Clarke. “And I’ve also had plenty of nightmares which were more of…flashbacks. I know the difference.”

 

“Why do you think you were in hell?” Clarke asked instead.

 

“Where was I for the past three years then?” Lexa questioned, not having the answer herself. “I wasn’t alive.”

 

“No one comes back from the dead.” Clarke shook her head, unsure whether she believes that anymore. “It doesn’t happen, you know that.”

 

“Do I…?” Lexa shrugged, her voice hesitant. “I don’t know how I’m back. I don’t know if I was dead or alive. And if I was alive, where was I and why do I not remember anything from the past three years, I-”

 

“Lexa shh,” Clarke rubbed her hand over her back, stopping her, she was talking really fast and ranting basically. “Calm down.” She told her quietly, scanning her eyes over Lexa. “You’ll figure it out, give it some time.”

 

Lexa remained silent for a moment, not saying anything before letting out a sigh. “What if I don’t want to know?” She asked Clarke, not looking at her. “What if I don’t want to know what happened to me in these three years? What if I don’t want to remember?”

 

“Then you don’t have to.” Clarke answered. “Bad dreams are just bad dreams, okay?” She told Lexa, who finally looked at her. “Bad flashbacks are also just bad dreams now, alright?” Clarke asked. “They’re just memories right now and you don’t have to figure out where they’re from.” She added, leaning a little closer and kissing her shoulder. “Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke asked, asking about her nightmare.

 

“I don’t even remember it.” Lexa sighed. “It just felt real. And painful.” She said slowly. “But I woke up and all I could remember was the pain and how real it felt. Nothing else.” Lexa shook her head. “I could remember where I was and why it felt familiar. But I just…I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what I was doing there or how I got there.” Suddenly, Lexa turned to Clarke, realizing how real her dream felt. “You’re real right?” She asked her, almost worried, scared that this would all disappear, vanish into thin air. “ _This_ isn’t the dream?” Lexa motioned between the two of them, all she could remember was the pain she felt the whole time she was gone – there was no concept of time there though so Lexa’s not sure how she even knows it was the _whole time_.

 

Clarke nodded instantly, “Yeah, yeah I’m real.” She told her. “This is real.” She looked around. “You and me and Madi, _this_ is real.” Clarke took Lexa’s hand in her’s before gently kissing it. “What you just saw, that dream you just had, that wasn’t real.” She told Lexa, shaking her head. “Maybe it _was_. Maybe that’s what you lived through the time you weren’t here…” Clarke let out a small sigh, not wanting to think about that, not wanting to think what it must’ve been like if that _is_ what Lexa had been through the years she was gone. “But right now, in this moment, that’s not real.”

 

* * *

 

“Wider stance Madi,” Clarke heard Lexa’s voice upon waking up, she was expecting her to be next to her, still asleep. “You’re going to lose your balance.” It sounded like Lexa was talking to Madi – that was a little strange too, it was impossible getting her up in the morning. Clarke let out a small groan, reluctantly getting herself out of what was now her bed before standing up. She rubbed her eyes, yawning before pushing the _door_ of the tent open and stepping outside.

 

The site in front of her almost made her smile, Lexa seemed better than last night, almost happy, _lighter_ if anything. She was with Madi, the two of them had sticks in their hands but they made it seem real, like they were swords. Lexa seemed to be showing her how to fight with them – something Clarke didn’t see the point in doing because it’s not like there was anyone around, not even swords. They were playfully jabbing at each other, Lexa trying to surprise Madi and almost knock her off her feet – it couldn’t be hard, not really, Clarke knew the little girl was kind of a klutz.

 

“You need to ground yourself.” Lexa said to Madi who was now on the ground as she held out her hand. “Wide stance, knees bent.” She added, Madi grabbing her hand and pulling herself to her feet.

 

“You two having fun?” Clarke asked with a small smile as she finally walked up to them. “Playing with your sticks?” She rolled her eyes, still happy to see Lexa in a better mood. “How long have you been up?” She turned to look at Madi, who only shrugged, “And you?”

 

“An hour or so.” Lexa replied. “I couldn’t sleep.” She shrugged. “Madi was already awake.”

 

“I couldn’t sleep either.” Madi said to Clarke. “She’s told me so much about you…I was…excited to _actually_ meet you.” She added, turning to look at Lexa. Clarke did talk about Lexa a lot, and most of the time it was for whatever Clarke was teaching Madi that day. She had lessons like any other Nightblood did in Polis, but Clarke was way more lenient, she was never too hard on Madi – hell, she wouldn’t even raise her voice on the girl. But sometimes it was different, it was just talking about Lexa, how she missed her, how there were so many missed opportunities, and how she would give anything to have her back.

 

“I can’t get this one up in the morning.” Clarke said to Lexa. “It’s impossible.” She shook her head at Madi this time, turning to look at her. “Do we have breakfast or…?”

 

“Not yet…” Madi replied slowly, finding breakfast was usually her job – small animals, plants, fruits, anything that looked edible because they had run out of rations less than a year in. “I’m going.” She whined at Clarke’s almost glare. “Can we pick this up later?” Madi asked Lexa, already stepping away as she received a nod.

 

The two of them waited until Madi was out of earshot before Clarke walked over to Lexa, “You look better.” She told her with a small smile, her hand coming up to brush against Lexa’s cheek.

 

“I feel a little better.” Lexa replied, returning Clarke’s smile. “So what have you been teaching her if not to defend herself?” Lexa asked, her voice a little ighter, as the two of them stepped away, walking over to one of the logs on the ground to sit down.

 

“She knows how to defend herself.” Clarke answered. “Just not with a sword.” She rolled her eyes. “Not like we can find one here anyways.”

 

They fell silent for a moment, the smiles on both their faces slowly fading away as reality set in once again. For Clarke it was thinking about how to tell Lexa about something she asked yesterday – what happened to the Nightbloods. And for Lexa it was…everything; wanting to know what happened while she was gone, how Clarke survived, where she found Madi, what happened to Polis – was the city still even there? – and most importantly, what happened to her. “Can I ask you something?” Lexa started after a minute, turning her head to look at Clarke who only nodded. “Nightbloods are the only ones not effected by the _Praimfaya_ right?” Clarke nodded again. “Then where are they?” Lexa asked, “All the Nightbloods from Polis, Aden, where are they all?”

 

Clarke only let out a long slow sigh, taking Lexa’s hand in her’s. “I don’t even know how to start.” But Lexa was in a good mood now, in a better place than yesterday when she had first asked Clarke…so it was as good of a time as any to tell her. “They’re…” She trailed. “Lexa they’re gone.” Clarke looked away, turning her eyes down to look at their hands. “A little after you… _died_ …”

 

“What do you mean gone?” Lexa questioned, looking at her impatiently. “Gone where?”

 

Clarke remained silent for a moment, the aching in her chest returning at the thought as tears welled in her eyes. “They’re dead Lexa.” Clarke finally spoke, shaking her head as her voice cracked. “I couldn’t protect them, I couldn’t keep them safe.” She spoke quickly, Lexa not saying anything but just taking in the news – unsure of how to react. “I thought I could protect them the way I couldn’t protect you…but I was wrong, I let them get killed too.”

 

“Wait…they’re dead?” Lexa finally responded, her voice small and unsure and not really knowing how to react. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out, only a sob. “But how is that possible I-” Lexa stumbled around for words, unsure how to comprehend what she was feeling. She was in charge of them, she was in charge of the Nightbloods, to keep them safe, to protect them, to make sure they were ready for what was to come…but she failed them. “No, no, no, that can’t be right.” Lexa kept shaking her head.

 

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke told her, tightening her grip on Lexa’s hand.

 

Lexa swallowed the lump in her throat, pulling herself together – it was amazing how quickly she could do that. “What happened to them? Who did this?” She asked, no hint of emotion in her voice, just steady and stoic.

 

“Do you remember Ontari?” Clarke asked but Lexa didn’t respond. “She…slaughtered them.” Her voice sounded distant, not wanting to think about it. “In their sleep.”

 

Lexa clenched her jaw, almost grinding her teeth, her breathing was slow and measured, the anger just building up inside her and not knowing how to react. She wanted to scream, or cry, or just yell at nothing. She couldn’t fathom the news just yet, still trying to let it sink in that they were all just gone. “I couldn’t keep them safe.” She just muttered, her voice just audible. “I let them down.” Lexa was mostly just talking to herself at this point. “All of them.”

 

“No, no, no,” Clarke said quietly, trying to pull herself together – god this was so long ago but it still hurt so bad. “You couldn’t have done anything.” She told Lexa, placing her arm around her shoulder. Lexa was passive, practically frozen in her spot, as she sat completely still.

 

“They were all I had.” Lexa spoke, her voice distant and detached, speaking to no one. She felt a little numb right now, not feeling anything at all compared to the previous day. It was just intense since she saw Clarke, her feelings and emotions were all over the place and she was basically on the verge of exploding. But now…now it felt like someone flipped a switch, turned her emotions off – that was the only way she could describe it because Lexa didn’t feel anything at all in the moment. Lexa shook her head suddenly, not having anything to say right now because nothing felt like it would be enough. “How could I let this happen?” She brought her hand up, rubbing her face as she let out a long slow sigh. “They’re all gone. All of them. Because of me. Because I wasn’t around.” Lexa let her head drop, looking at her feet, “No Commander before me has messed up this bad.” She let out a shaky, “I lost my chance with them, I couldn’t even keep them alive.”

 

“There’s nothing you could’ve done.” Clarke tried again. “And it’s not the end, okay?” Lexa looked back at her questioningly, wanting to ask how, because all the Nightbloods were gone, the Flame’s legacy, all gone. “You have a chance to…make it right.” She started, “To an extent.” Clarke settled. “There’s Madi.” She told her. “You didn’t lose all of them, you still have a chance to make it right with her.” Lexa didn’t respond again, she didn’t know how to. Clarke was right, she had one more chance, one chance to not mess up. “She needs guidance, more than what I can give her because she is a Nightblood, and I don’t have the kind of knowledge she needs.”

 

“There’s no point now.” Lexa finally responded. “Everything is gone. Everyone is gone. Nothing matters anymore.” She only shrugged this time; it was the truth. There was no one here other than the three of them – and Lexa had practically come back from the dead. How did _anything_ make sense? “She should just grow up as a normal little girl. There’s no need for her to take on that weight.”

 

“What about when the bunker opens in two years?” Clarke asked. “They’re going to need a leader.”

 

“That is not going to be me.” Lexa replied instantly. “I did my time. I don’t even have the flame anymore.” She added before looking at Clarke. “It’s not that I resented being Heda, it’s not that.” She clarified. “It was hard, and I had to make sacrifices…and I lost so much along the way…” Lexa trailed off, “But I wouldn’t take it back because it’s an almost spiritual position. The people look up to you, they trust you, they want you to protect them and do whatever it takes to keep them safe.” She finally finished, shaking her head slowly, “And I died doing that, that relieves me of my duties as far as I remember.”

 

Clarke nodded in response; as far as she remembers, the people were looking to Octavia as the new leader. She didn’t know what it would be like when the bunker opened, hell she didn’t even know if anyone inside was alive, but Clarke knew they would need a _real_ leader. “Teach Madi how to be that person.” Clarke said instead.

 

“She’s a little girl.” Lexa answered instantly, “It’s not going to be her either.” She remembers what it was like when she was a young Nightblood and no, Lexa wouldn’t want to put anyone in that place. She changed a lot of things when she became Commander; she wanted it to be a little kinder on the young kids, so they’d still have a chance to _be_ kids. Not that they had the time though, of course not, they had to train to fight and lead, but Lexa made sure they’d get at least get the chance to be children every now and then. “The people will figure something out in five years. As far as they know there are no Nightbloods left, right?”

 

“Other than me. But I’m not an _actual_ Nightblood, they don’t expect anything from me anymore.” Clarke paused, shrugging, “I don’t think anyone thinks I survived.”

 

“We can be dead together.” Lexa offered, pausing for a moment before asking. “Do you remember what you said to me that day?” She asked gently. “How maybe someday we’ll owe nothing more to our people?” Clarke gave her a gentle smile, she did remember; she thought about it everyday, thought about how they never got that chance, how that day never came. “Well, here it is.” Lexa let out a deep breath. “We owe nothing to anyone anymore and I just…I don’t want to think about anyone else now.” She said honestly. “My mind still feels foggy, and I’m a little lightheaded…god, Clarke I came back from the dead.” Lexa looked at Clarke, almost like a sudden realization hitting her. “I don’t even know where to start with that. How do I deal with something like that?” She sounded a little panicked, frantic almost. “There’s so much I put up with, so much I dealt with. There is so much I _know_ how to deal with; death and loss and war but…this?” Lexa shook her head, the panic growing, “How do you deal with _dying_?”

 

Lexa seemed to have gotten a lot tenser within a fraction of a second. It was almost like the mention of…her being… _dead?_...flipped a switch. It turned her into a tense, almost scared and trembling little mess. “Just breathe,” Clarke told her. “Give it time.” She rubbed her hand over Lexa’s back, “And I’m here, okay?” Clarke pressed a small kiss to her temple. “You’ll figure out what happened if you want to, and if you don’t, you’ll find a way to deal with it.” She told Lexa, placing her head on Lexa’s shoulder, trying to comfort her – she was trembling. “Ai hodnes em ste ait. **[My love, it’s alright]** ” Clarke tried to calm her, switching to Trigedasleng, hoping it would put her at ease a little or at least calming as she brought her other arm in front of Lexa and pulled her into a hug. “Ai laik hir. **[I’m here]** ” She added when Lexa leaned against her and let out a small sigh. “Yu gon nou soulou. **[You’re not alone]** ”

 

Lexa remained silent for a good few seconds. “Osir gada in ogeda gon taim in gon houd. **[We have all the time in the world]** ” She finally spoke, she had time to be with Clarke, to deal with this, work through this, to just _be_. It’s not like it ever took her long to deal with any kind of trauma – well, Lexa never had the _luxury_ of giving herself the time she needed. “Radon? **[Right?]** ”

 

Clarke nodded, now they did. There was nothing they needed to do, nowhere they needed to be, no one else they needed to tend to – just each other. So yes, they had time for whatever they needed to do, Lexa needed time to deal with everything, to heal – she seemed to be a little…out of it, since coming back. Well, it was expected… _right?_ She _was_ dead though, she was gone, she wasn’t alive for _three_ whole years – _however the hell that’s possible_. Lexa just seemed…less confident, unsure of herself, and just weary if anything. “Sha. **[Yes]** ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> real talk for a moment ok? lexa lost a lot because she was the commander and just,,,,a lot of negative things. but...imo, she wouldn't give it up for the world. because i mean...it was a very important position. the commander was basically a god to the people. she knew it was her...destiny, that's what she was meant to do, what she was born to do. she knows how important it was but at the same time.....now, she wouldn't do it again because she did her time. anyways, thank you so much for reading, and let me know what you thought. i love comments as much as clarke loves lexa.


	5. I wish we could go back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk about what had been, what might have been, what could have been, and more important what WILL be now that things were...calm. They talk about the past, then the future, and Madi's also here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!!

“What was Polis like?” Madi found herself asking Lexa one night. It had been about a week according to Clarke since Lexa had been back.

 

Things had changed since then, of course it had, Clarke finally had another person to be around – and that other person, happened to be the love of her life. She hadn’t gotten around to talking to Lexa though, not about anything other than the apocalypse and things that had happened since she had been… _gone_. She wanted to talk to her about…them; all the time Clarke has had alone only led her think about people she loved and lost. It was always her dad, and Wells, and Finn, and Lexa – she hoped against everything that the ones who had left the planet were still alive, but…Clarke knew for sure these four people were gone.

 

And whenever she thought about Lexa…all Clarke could think about was all the things she had wanted to have with her. Even when she was alive, Clarke hadn’t realized just how much Lexa meant to her. Yes, there was a part of her that knew it was special with the Commander because well…Clarke just had this feeling within her whenever she was around her. But back then, the possibility of having a happy ending seemed impossible – and it was, wasn’t it? The more time Clarke spent without her, the more she yearned for a future that was…quite simply, impossible. She loved Lexa too late, that was her biggest regret; by the time she realized she loved her, it was too late. In over the three years Clarke had been alone, this was her biggest regret.

 

She could change it now, she could tell Lexa how much she loves her. Honestly, that was all Clarke had wanted to do the whole time she wasn’t here – she wanted just one chance with her, just one chance to tell her how much she loved her. But for some reason…she still hadn’t. Clarke was almost afraid to really, she was afraid to tell Lexa how she really felt, how much she did care about her. Yes, Lexa knew Clarke loved her, but Clarke had a lot more to say than just _I love you_. A part of her still couldn’t believe what had happened, still felt like it couldn’t be real that Lexa was here. And that was why she was scared to talk to her, it felt like the moment she did, Lexa would disappear.

 

Lexa on the other hand though, was doing a little better, she only seemed to be getting better about a couple of days ago. The nightmares were still there but it wasn’t like the first few nights. She was sleeping more, which was good because the first three nights, she must’ve slept only about two hours. She seemed freer though, lighter than Clarke had ever seen her – but maybe that was because she had only seen Lexa in times of crisis, maybe this is what she was like when there was peace. God, Clarke would give anything to see what Lexa was like when things were okay with the clans, when there was peace amongst her people, and Lexa’s biggest worry were the petty property disputes of the ordinary people.

 

She had gotten closer to Madi though, Lexa and Madi seemed to have bonded straight away and Clarke couldn’t help but be amazed by it. Madi had taken months to warm up to Clarke, took forever until she was freely asking her questions because Madi was a shy and quiet young girl. But with Lexa…it was different, she just seemed a lot more comfortable. And Lexa…Clarke has never seen her like this, she was very different with young children. She did see it briefly with Lexa and her little Nightbloods and from what she learned from them, Lexa meant a lot to them. But seeing more of it, seeing more of Lexa interacting with this girl who was a Nightblood, someone Lexa saw as her last chance to do something right…it made Clarke smile.

 

“It was…” Lexa thought about it for a moment, trying to find one word that might describe her city. “Beautiful.” She answered. “It was nothing like any of the villages, nothing like any of the other clans had to offer.” She smiled at the memory, the busy streets, the people, the sound that used to come into her room in the morning, letting her know it was time to get up and get back to them. “It was special,” Lexa added, “Like nothing anyone has ever seen.”

 

The three of them were sitting around the fire, Clarke and Lexa next to each other, a couple of feet away to Lexa’s side. Lexa had her arm around Clarke, who’s head was resting on Lexa’s shoulder, they were all just enjoying the silence – it wasn’t always enjoyable, sometimes it was suffocating, but tonight it was nice. “It really was.” Clarke couldn’t help but add. “I mean…” She continued, “Even when I was there, it was amazing really.” She told Madi. “And everything was…a mess then.” Clarke shook her head at it, looking at Lexa, “Wish we could go back though.” She told her, “Make things different.”

 

Lexa only nodded, _if only_. “It’s getting late.” She said after a moment, pulling the other two girls out of their thoughts. “We should put the fire out, head inside.”

 

.

 

“You changed the subject,” Clarke commented later that night, once they were in their tent and lying in bed. “When I said I wish we could go back,” She told her when Lexa only gave her a questioning look, “You turned away from it.”

 

Lexa nodded, “Yes.” She agreed, she did, and that was because she didn’t want to think about that. Lexa didn’t want to think about that, _what might have been_ , and all that was taken away from them too soon. “I don’t want to think about it.” She told Clarke honestly, there was no point in lying, not to Clarke. Lexa had come back from the dead, there was no other way of putting it, and she was going to make every moment with Clarke count. And that meant no lying, no hiding things from her…she just didn’t see the point anymore, Lexa had lost enough time with her, she wasn’t going to.

 

“You okay?” Clarke changed her subject too, looking at her with a concerned look as her hand came up, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

Lexa only nodded, “I don’t want to think about what we lost.” She explained, “What we didn’t get to have.” She added. “There is no point in living in the past.” Lexa told her with a sigh, “I just…” She trailed, “I want to have everything with you that I couldn’t then,” She told her honestly, “That’s why I don’t want to think about it, we can’t go back. So I just want to live in the present, make the most of it.”

 

“You know I love you right?” Clarke asked in response, “I would give anything to get back the time we lost.”

 

Lexa only closed her eyes, giving her a small nod in agreement, “Maybe it’s better this way.” She offered instead, looking at Clarke. “No more responsibilities, no one expecting anything from us,” She let out a small sigh, “We can just…be.”

 

“You’re not wrong.” Clarke smiled at her, “The three of us, you, me, and Madi.” She added, “We can maybe make up for all time we lost.”

 

Lexa didn’t find the need to reply, only brought herself closer and pressed her lips against Clarke’s. She kissed her slowly and it felt almost like the first time they had, slow and purposeful, trying to convey all her feeling to Clarke in just this one action. “We can.” She answered once they’d pulled away. “We will.”

 

“You don’t know how much I’ve thought about that the last few years.” Clarke confessed, finally telling her what was on her mind. “All that could’ve been, all that we could’ve been.” She continued, “What we might have been like when actually together in a relationship.” Clarke let out a small sigh, “The hour or so I got to spend with you like that…it wasn’t nearly enough Lexa.”

 

Lexa gave her a nod, it really wasn’t, but at the same time, she didn’t have to live through the last few years thinking about that – maybe that was a relief really. “Like you said,” She added, “We have all the time in the world now.” They had talked about everyone that had left, everyone that was down in the bunker since the Praimfaya, Lexa knew the people who had left Earth were meant to return in about two years time from now. “No one is going to expect anyone from us even after they come back, it’ll be just us now.”

 

“Do you know what I’ve thought about the most the last three years?” Clarke asked her and Lexa only shook her head, waiting for Clarke to continue. “You.” She stated simply. “And us.” She added. “All the _what if_ ’s…” Clarke trailed off, “What if I didn’t have to leave Polis, what if you weren’t shot, what if I could’ve saved you, what if we could’ve made it till there was peace.” Her voice trembled, cracking a little by the end of that sentence, “I realized I loved you too late,” Clarke told her after a small pause, bringing her composure back. “And I thought I would never get to make up for it.” She shook her head slightly, not really knowing how she finally got lucky and something happened to her benefit. “I thought I would never get to make up for my mistake.”

 

“You didn’t make a mistake.” Lexa told her, “Clarke, after everything that had happened, with you and me, our people…you made no mistake.” She gave Clarke a small smile, trying to reassure her. “You had every reason to not trust me, to be angry at me-”

 

“I wanted to kill you at one point.” Clarke admitted, that was probably the last thing she actually wanted to do though. It was just…overwhelming then, everything was chaotic and Clarke was just trying to cope really.

 

Lexa thought for a moment, she didn’t for a moment actually think she would have done it. Even when Clarke had felt a knife to her throat, Lexa didn’t fight back, she didn’t disarm her, because Lexa was certain Clarke _wouldn’t_ do it. “I knew you wouldn’t.” She muttered quietly. “I thought I was delusional to think that you could ever even…not hate me after Mt. Weather.” Lexa admitted for the first time. “Do you remember when you held a knife to my throat?” She asked and Clarke nodding hesitantly. “That’s when I knew.” Lexa smiled at her, “That’s when I knew you wouldn’t hurt me let alone kill me.”

 

“Was I that easy?” Clarke couldn’t help but ask, was she really _that_ easy to read?

 

Lexa’s expression changed, looking more confused right now, “Easy?” She questioned, “I don’t understand…” She didn’t know what that meant, not in this context.

 

“Am I that easy to figure out?” Clarke rephrased. “Like, is it that easy for you to know what’s going through my mind?”

 

Lexa nodded seriously, “It was.” She told her honestly, “I can’t explain why, but…it was.” She added. “But I didn’t know you were going to kiss me.” Lexa confessed, “That was…unexpected.” Thinking back to that day, she shook her head, “The whole day was unexpected.”

 

Clarke swallowed the lump in her throat that had formed at the memory of that day, she didn’t want to think about it. “Let’s not talk about it.” She offered instead. “Like you said, we don’t need to live in the past.” She looked away from Lexa for a moment, her eyes teary as the memories flooded back to her. Clarke didn’t say anything, her hand only came up, going to rest over Lexa’s stomach. “I’m sorry.” She apologized. “This all happened because of m-”

 

“Shh,” Lexa stopped her, “No, don’t do that, don’t blame yourself.” She told her. “You do that enough as it is.” She did, Clarke blamed herself for pretty much everything, and that was very closely tied to how everyone else blamed her when things went wrong. Her people blamed Clarke more than anyone else when things had started to go wrong; that was how it was when Lexa was around and she can imagine it didn’t really change. “What happened to me wasn’t your fault alright?”

 

“It was though.” Clarke argued, she had gone over this enough times in her mind to know that in the end, she had been Lexa’s undoing. “That bullet was coming for me, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time.”

 

“It was Titus’ fault.” Lexa stated, “Not your’s. You didn’t pull the trigger.”

 

“I might as well have.” Clarke disagreed. “Everything that led up to it was all because of m-”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa stopped her again, “I don’t blame you for that.” She told her slowly, wanting her words to reach Clarke, “Or for anything that happened.” She added before falling silent, “I wish so many things had been different Clarke.” Lexa admitted, this time her own eyes filled with tears. “I wish I could’ve brought peace, I wish I could’ve kept you safe, I wish no one would’ve questioned what you were to me.” She shook her head slightly, so many things that were out of her hand, so many things Lexa had wished to change. “I wish I could’ve made you happy, unburdened you, even slightly.”

 

Clarke didn’t trust herself to speak, only looked away before bringing herself to Lexa, pressing her face against Lexa’s chest. “What happened to not talking about that past?” She asked sarcastically, her voice muffled against Lexa. “I love you I love you I love you.” Clarke repeated, this time not stopping as she kept repeating like a mantra. There was so much they had missed, so much they could’ve been but was taken away. Years. Over three years. That’s how much time they had lost. Honestly, it was supposed to be a lot more than that, she wasn’t supposed to come back and Clarke didn’t know who to thank for this, for bringing Lexa back to her and giving them another chance.

 

“I know.” Lexa muttered, kissing the top of her head. “I’m here, okay?” She tried to reassure her, _I don’t know how, but I’m here_. “And I’m not going anywhere.” She let out a small sigh, “I’m not leaving you again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're all great people and i did not mean to call you bitches i am so sorry. anyways, yes, this is the last chapter. this fic was meant to be a one shot and it's four chapters too many so i just had to wrap it up. i honestly don't even know what to write after this even if i wanted to continue, like even this chapter, i was like uhhh??? what do i do??? so yeah, instead of leaving it unfinished, i gave it a half assed, unedited chapter, that i'm hoping wraps up the fic. basically they got their happily ever after, it wasn't how they expected it to be, but it is what it is.

**Author's Note:**

> also i cried while writing the part where clarke's talking about lexa and i wanted to die. any who's there's that for now, and i'm 99% sure i will write a second chapter. but yeah, thanks for reading and let me know what you thought.


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